fish8me.com

Those of you who know me know that I tend to change personal direction alot. This is because when I see something I don’t like about myself, I try to change it. and i usually see alot about myself that could be improved on.

I discovered quite early on that being too nice is no good. you get stepped on alot, and if you’re nice but not “cool”, then you’re just another nice guy loser - i.e a pussy. and a pussy never wins.

so i went the other way completely and became a complete dick. which was fine for a while, because i stopped taking shit from people and i was no longer made miserable by other people’s opinion of me.

but there’s a trade off. if you act like a dick, you have to be prepared to do 2 things:

be able to live with yourself and your actions, and you have to like the type of girl you attract by being a dick.

don’t get me wrong, being a dick is infinately better than being a walk over nice guy. but the type of girls you attract by being a dick, well, lets just say they aren’t real long term material.

the problem with being a dick is, one day, eventually, you meet a really awesome girl who is so different from the others. and she doesn’t like dicks. and so she doesn’t like you. and the thing that really kills is that , you aren’t really a dick, you were just trying to be one as a means of dealing with pain. and so she doesn’t like you, not for you, but because of something that doesn’t really represent who you are.

unfortunately, you only get 1 chance in situations like that.

and its the shittiest feeling in the world. because you then use her as a benchmark for the whole world, and nobody else seems to measure up.

if i had a choice, i would rather have a root canal than have to go through that.

so here i am. at equilibrium again. i hope. its been 4 years of extreme variations, but i always thought of it as a progressive journey anyway. the people i’ve met have convinced me that you CAN be a nice human being and still not be stepped all over, provided you are “cool” enough and you know what you are doing. its hard to explain, but you know it when you see it. think of all the really nice, friendly down to earth people you know who are just GREAT human beings, but are not losers in any stretch of the word.

being a complete asshole is probably not the answer, if you know what you’re looking for. but of course, neither is being a walk-over. its a terrible cliche, but its important to be comfortable with who you are. in my opinion, being comfortable with who you are is much more important that just “being who you are”.

there’s a difference, because who you are might be a complete useless loser. but if you are a weak loser, being comfortable with yourself might entail making some changes to your life for the better. if you’re COMFORTABLE with who you are, that’s where strength comes from. the strength to strive for what you want.

its not easy, but nothing worth having is.